A Slice of Life

Friends

Hmmmmm. Friends can be somewhat delicate. I have this one friend who is two decades younger than me and is having a horrible time on the romantic side of life. She is a lesbian, not that it really matters, but sometimes I think women to women romantic relationships can be a bit more troublesome then women to men. At least that's what I've observed by watching her over the past year exit one relationship and flop into the next. Is it because women are the more emotionally charged gender? Is it that they are just both really in touch with their feelings? Is it that they are both nurturers? I don't know. But there seems to be a lot of emotional playing and a lot of hide and seek with their feelings.

Last week she proclaimed it was over and then today she was red faced and in tears over her former paramour going out last night. I want her to be unable to live without me, my friend sobbed. I sat on the other side of the couch not sure how to respond. Part of me just wanted to just roll my eyes and chock it up to young, sloppy love and then I was feeling angry at her for being so sloppy with her emotions. Just pull it together and forget about it, I wanted to shout at her. Then I think why am I so uncomfortable with this display of emotions and this conflicted feeling of love. Is it jealously? I don't think so. Is it the Bostonian in me that just wants everything in life to be really neat and clean and crisp. Or have I become harden to it after slogging through the flotsam and jetsam of my 20 year marriage that ended rather abruptly. All I know is that I have this anxious feeling and I don't like it.

I feel bad that she is in such pain. I wish that life for her was easy and that some wonderful young woman will come along and just sweep her off her feet. But for some reason that is not in the cards right now. She has to fight through the pain and the feelings of rejection. Part of me wishes I could do someting to make her feel better, but I guess it's all part of growing up and being still so young. Experience is truly the greatest teacher if you are willing to learn. I know that this pain will go away and like me she will find the right romantic partner and it will be as close to heaven as anything can possibly be on earth. I guess it just hard watching her pain when I now know that pain is only temporary and she hasn't learned that lesson yet. It goes away and then you peer into the days ahead and realize the marvelous thing that life truly is. I guess that's the benefit of being 48 and not 28.

A Decadent Day

It is a grim March day in Chicago. The sun peeked out for maybe 10 minutes this morning. It's been raining and thundering off and on all day. So I feel like the day -- grey and really and truly unmotivated. I did make it to the gym this morning and did my cardio and weights. But I came home poured a glass of cold water and headed to my bed. Here I sat. I surfed Netflix on my laptop found a movie and just drank water and ate some chips and watched the film Penelope (a little gem and quite a message for young women, for all actually).

I played around on the internet, wrote long, thoughtful emails to friends who I don't communicate with often enough and finally climbed out of bed into the shower. By 2:30 p.m. I descended to the living room -- only to search for yet another movie to watch, this time The Shining. OK then I loaded the dishwasher, pushed the start button and reclimbed the stairs and back in my bed to write some more emails.

Finally my daughter prodded me out of the house to pick up her friend and to head to the store for provisions for her and some goodies for me to bring to a dinner party tonight.

I have NEVER in my life behaved like this.

I have always bounced from one activity to the next. But I think right now I just have a need to be. I need quiet. I need solitude. I have fantasies of renting my very own little cabin somewhere on a lake -- the big one to the East would be nice -- and bringing along books, scotch and some good movies. And of course, a beautiful bouquet of flowers to keep things cheery.

I guess I am resting and getting ready for the next leg of my journey. I have felt like I've climbed long and hard to reach where I am for the past few years. And now, I just want to admire the view. I want to relish the accomplishment. I want to survey the beauty of it all. Then I'll pick myself up and with great faith and deep optimism I will continue pushing ahead and see what's in store next.